Last night I was fortunate enough to have been invited to a most excellent discussion session centered on the book “The Life of Meaning; Reflections on Faith, Doubt, and Repairing the World” edited by Bob Abernethy.

Amidst the many compelling points that were covered, a particular one reverberated in my brain the moment I woke up this morning: the issue of non-attachment (versus attachment) as a spiritual trait.

When one person in the discussion last night mentioned the typically Buddhist concept that we should strive to avoid attachment, some others commented how they could not see “detachment” as being a good thing.  Well, as I see it, of course DETACHMENT is NOT a good thing!

Let’s suppose someone close to you, for example your brother, is having a very serious operation - let’s say bypass surgery.  You feel very sure it is important that your brother recover completely from the procedure and return to being the same old brother you have always known. You go to visit, you worry. You feel nervous before the procedure and can hardly sit still during the hours it is going on. You hope, you pray that the surgery will be a success. This is a pretty normal way to react. But this is you having attachment to a successful outcome.

Now lets consider a different response: let’s say you are already under a lot of stress from other issues in your life and you cannot spare any energy at all to deal with your brother’s surgery.  You don’t pray for a good outcome, you don’t call, you don’t visit. Instead you pretend entirely that it is not happening. This is detachment - it is NOT healthy.

So how does a spiritual person avoid attachment in a healthy way? It seems to me the healthy alternative to attachment is not detachment, but rather acceptance!

In acceptance you acknowledge that you fervently hope your brother recovers BUT you also recognize the many ways in which you do not have control over the outcome. You may still pray for his recovery, you may still look forward to having you same old brother back after the surgery. In short, you may STILL CARE.

But the difference between attachment and acceptance comes with the realization that you do not have control over the situation and may not know all the factors. Perhaps your brother will have a very long struggle for his life and recover only after many months.  It may be that he needed that time out from his regular life to reconsider some issues. Perhaps he will not recover at all and instead some of his organs will be donated to various people who still had a mission to fulfill in their life.

The point is, in acceptance a person realizes that their highest spiritual position is not to specify THEIR desired outcome in any given situation. Even if your brother does not recover, even if he dies in surgery, if you can recognize that at some level some good may have been served, then that is acceptance. Rather than rant and rail against the god that “chose” to let your brother die, in acceptance you can say “Thy will be done.”